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Cardspiel Fish Blog

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories!

I don’t believe Sasquatch is hiding in some unexplored wood, and I don’t believe that Edward Snowden and Julian Assange were really American secret agents distributing misinformation to hide what’s really been going on.

I believe the reason I generally lose at poker is that I am a bad player.There are no hidden forces working against me.

I’m not being beaten by bots, or by people using expensive software to determine the cards they should play. No one has bothered to analyse my game after tracking my past results to gain insight into my play, there are no special algorithms calculating the odds of winning a particular hand against me at the speed of light.

I am not being beaten by top professionals playing incognito with their friends’ pseudonyms (this happens often on a 50/50 split of winnings I’m told, as some pros are tied into contracts with particular online poker platforms they often use other identities), and no-one has a back-door into the program, they can’t see my cards, no one is conspiring against me.

My game is simply inferior to others’!I should improve my game. I should read a book, on poker!  I should use a chop calculator, I should record my progress then track and analyse my game for weakness.

I could get really technical, watch one of those awful videos that explains how 3rd party tools work; it will be a tedious uphill struggle as the production values are horrendous. (To all producers of videos ‘aiding’ poker players out there, ‘Write a fucking script and try and structure what you are trying to say in a format that can be understood. Oh and please learn to talk properly or hire a fucking actor!’)

Perhaps to beat them I will have to collude. I once coincidentally appeared, during a tournament with over 2,000 players, on the same table as a friend in another country. We immediately called each other and discussed the odds of being seated at the same table, not having been aware the other was even playing online. I’m sure the online platform knew we were associated, as we’d transferred funds between accounts (when he was skint and for no other reason), and if not they should have known, but presumably our elimination well before any payout, and my many years of negative online poker balances, tricked the system into believing there was nothing to worry about where I was concerned.

I am still lulling them into complacency by continuing to lose everything I ever put into my online poker account.

Or I could get a pro to play with my identity, maybe get a team of Chinese players in an aircraft hangar to help me. (A friend went to China and saw aircraft hangars full of identical-looking artists painting identical-looking pictures of London, identical to those that are sold along Bayswater Road and other places, and then saw Chinese tourists buying them in London.)

Wanting to play better poker is not actually about the money. That said, I appreciate that success in poker is determined by how much money is made, and though I aspire to be as non-materialistic as possible, I am prepared to suffer the increase in fortune that comes with mastering poker if necessary.

I want to be good at poker because a great player must excel in two areas that I want to be able to excel at.I can’t accept that I possess less mathematical reasoning and less understanding of human psychology than average. I can only dream of having the qualities of Freud and Einstein, the qualities I notice in the best players: I’d be Freud in the live games and Einstein online.

I would be fucking invincible, I’d be Phil fuckin Ivey without the good looks.

I’m told that to become good you need to play, and hence need to accept that you will lose until you become good. I hate wasting money so am actually quite prepared to believe that is a real conspiracy, something successful players say in order to make novices like me lose their money with better grace. I should retire immediately and play Chess!

Then again, maybe I just need to find my best format, maybe play single-table 4 to 6 player games and avoid the bigger tables? Didn’t I do well in 45 player sit and goes in the past? No more ring games? My forte must be one of the many variations I’ve not tried playing yet!

Maybe I must only play the live game: no potential collusion, no software or bots, just real poker with real people played the old-fashioned way. I can play like Freud would, who wants to be an Einstein anyway? One of the reasons I started to play online was to learn the etiquette needed to play a live game and not look stupid. I would be welcomed now as I know the rules, and I know that a fish is more than welcome at anyone’s table.

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This Fish does not want to state their offline or online identity in case someone who reads this meets him/her/it during a live or an online game

Image ‘fish playing poker (Toronto alleyway art)’ by margonaut


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  • miss hall

    Made me chuckle reading this, “I’d be Freud in the live games and Einstein online. I would be fucking invincible”. I want that on a t-shirt!